someone I don't know

Hi

This is my first post. I need to tell someone about my struggle with gambling. I am too ashamed to seek help from family or friends. I started gambling years ago betting on sports. I never really had a problem wagering on games. I stayed well within what I could afford to lose and didn't think much about it. Never crossed my mind that it was a problem. I also played poker for recreation. And again, no real negative impact on my life. About a year ago while placing a wager for a game online, I noticed a 'mini black jack' icon on the corner of the website. I had always stayed away from casino games because, at the time, all I really had interest in was sports. I played a few hands of black jack and kept winning. Couldn't lose a hand. Won something like $400 while betting small amounts. Not sure I lost more than 3 or 4 hands on my way to that $400 jackpot. Little did I know that would be the day I started down the path of becoming a compulsive gambler. I became hooked on black jack. To this day I do not know how it happened. I am an educated person with a great family and a good job. Yet, the self destructive behavior I am now capable of is unbelievable. After that first round of black jack, I started to visit the casino more often. I would have a number of successful sessions. However, as time passed, things started to change. One session I quickly won $1000. Said to myself "That will fund my sports wagering for quite a long while". But didn't work out that way. The next day, I would revisit the casino and promptly lose the newly won $1000 sports reserve. This trend lasted for a few months. I would make deposits and quickly go to the casino and try to win reach my $1000 mark. It was a strange time. I would lose deposit after deposit until I would finally reach that $1000 goal. Funny thing is, if I would have just deposited $1000 I would have saved money. Instead, I wanted the easy money. Deposit $300 and turn it into $1000. In the end, winning my $1000 never really mattered. It wouldn't stay in my account long because I couldn't stay away from the action, easy money of black jack. I would say to myself "Ok, if you lose $300, stop... $700 will still last a long time betting games". But I could never stop. $1000 became $0 within minutes. Now things are completely out of control. I no longer care about sports wagering, poker ..the gambling I felt I could do responsibly. All I care about is the fast action of black jack. 4 months ago I told myself I had become a compulsive gambler and had to stop. I no longer had any control over my actions. But I couldn't stop. It felts like I had an inner demon controlling my actions. I'd make a deposit knowing I would lose, yet I'd do it anyway ..and indeed I would lose. And I now no longer have any goals like stopping at $1000. I have done things I can't believe. I've had blackjack sessions that I've been up nearly $3000 but I just keep playing and pretty soon that $3000 is $0. As I am losing, I'll tell myself to stop but I just keep playing. The gambling addict inside me wants to make sure I have nothing left and it never fails. I've promised myself numerous times I would stop but I can't keep my promises. Over the past 6 months I've lost thousands due to this addiction. My compulsive gambling has caused intense shame and depression. I feel I am a complete failure as a husband and father although they know nothing about this. Yes they experience the mood swings and depression ...but don't know the reason I've changed. I am unable to come clean and admit this to even my closest friends or relatives. I am simply too ashamed. I am also afraid. I know in my heart I am a compulsive gambler. I know it to be 100% true. I know I can't stop playing once I start. Yet I do it anyway. That is the mystery. Why? This addiction has amazing strength. Too much for me to handle on my own. That is why I joined this forum. I hope telling people who understand how miserable this addiction is will somehow help me to find a way to recovery before I lose everything.

Thanks for listening.